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TWOstars Awards 2005


MrFill
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The following program is a post watershed production, it may contain scenes which are not suitable for children and some of the content may also be unacceptable to other viewers. This program may also contain strobe lighting effects.

 

'Carve me an Edge' by Fake Ideal starts to play as the XTV opening video plays. Images are displayed throughout the title sequence:

 

Draven Cage locking in the noose.

The Judge charging down the ramp, sledgehammer in hand.

The Million Dollar Man Chris Eagles counting a fist full of greenbacks.

Tom Trash trashcanning another victim.

Barry Gower leaving Fill for dead.

The Dark Alliance being revealed.

Brett Banner holding the World Championship high.

Keith Jaxx and Rico oiling TIH.

TWO sprayed over a purple Ford Focus.

Violent Vinnie Vengeance climbing the cage.

PMA with a nutshot.

Arkham dressed as Animal.

The return of Jordi Warner.

Twiggie holding aloft the MWA title.

Tiffany raising the arms of The Judge and Jordi Warner.

The leg drop of doom from Hulkstermark.

The Lonely Avenger in striking the arena into Green Hell.

Arkham and Jaxx on the staging with Michael Cole, dildo mic in hand.

Redman returning.

Evil Gringo with his mamacita.

Deadman returning at no Mercy.

Keith Jaxx eating bananas.

Darkstar, dressed for business.

Dante standing proud, Battle Royal winner.

The Incredible Holt standing over Gringo and Gower, raising his title high above his head.

 

Voiceover: Welcome to the TWOstars special awards show, highlighting the best and worst of this year’s superstars and stories.

 

The view changes to Paul Heyman and Joey Styles wearing tuxedos, they’re standing in front of the “star studded” audience, the wrestlers are sat at various tables behind them, D list stars are there for the free dinner and drinks.

 

Joey: Welcome folks, we’re going to see a great night, some fantastic clips, and some of the greatest superstars in the business today.

 

Paul: Not to mention some of the most pathetic, we’re going to find out who the fans have decided who they think sucked during 2005 and who were OK.

 

Joey: OK? We’re talking about some superb guys, this show is going to be a fantastic of a show.

 

Paul: At least we don’t have to stay on-screen, I don’t think I could stand to be near some of these losers.

 

Joey: Well, let’s show the good folks at home who are presenting the show.

 

The camera cuts to the staging, the glass podium stands ready.

 

Voiceover: Introducing tonight’s special hosts, please welcome Arkham and Keith Jaxx – they are SEX.

 

The audience in the gallery begins to cheer and a few “Allllriiiight” chants go up from the fans.

 

From either side of the stage enters the two rather strange tag team members, Jaxx is wearing a skin tight t-shirt with a tuxedo and bow tie imprinted on it, his trousers are almost like a second skin, they’re so revealing that you could tell if he was Jewish.

 

Arkham is wearing a very shiny pale blue tuxedo with a VERY ruffled shirt and a rainbow coloured bow tie – the trousers are too short and show his bright green socks while the sleeves on the jacket are about 4 inches too long, which is surprising considering the size of the big man.

 

The crowd continues to cheer as the two men get to the centre of the staging area.

 

Arkham: Hullo everybody, me happy to be here with Keithy.

 

Keith: Allllllriiiiiiiiiiight!

 

The crowd pops once more as Jaxx grins towards them, Arkham waves at random, apparently to people in the audience he recognises.

 

Keith: Tonight we’re rewarding the nice…

 

Arkham: What about the naughty?

 

Keith: I’ll deal with them later.

 

Jaxx grins once more to laughter from the crowd and some of the members at the tables.

 

Keith: First of all we’re going to start off with the favourite new boy, we’re going to give an award to the Best Newcomer.

 

Arkham: Me know who this is.

 

Keith: Not unless you’ve snuck a peek into the envelope.

 

Arkham: Onvieloop?

 

Keith: Obviously not then, well, here are our nominations. First off we have Phillip Martin Atken.

 

The big screen on the back of the staging changes to show clips of PMA in action.

 

Keith: What an amazing guy, let’s see who he’s up against, the next nomination is Twiggie.

 

Again the screen changes to show Twiggie in action.

 

Arkham: He smelly.

 

Keith: You can’t judge a worker on his aroma, otherwise Paul Heyman wouldn’t be on commentary.

 

The crowd bursts into laughter as the camera shows Heyman looking really angry.

 

Arkham: Who last?

 

Keith: Ahhh, our last nominee is The Lonely Avenger.

 

Arkham: He have Green Heels?

 

Keith: Apparently, but he looks good in them.

 

More laughter from the audience.

 

Keith: Well, here’s some of his best bits.

 

Once more we see the screen change, but this time to show TLA’s highlights.

 

Keith: What a scary guy.

 

Arkham: Not be scared, me protect Keithy.

 

Keith: Oh, I know you will Arkhie, I know you will.

 

Jaxx gives a broad grin and a wink to the audience who laugh loudly.

 

Keith: Well, now it’s time to announce the winner, and it’s…

 

On the big screen behind them, the three nominees, PMA appears to be whispering in the lovely Victoria Ramsden’s ear, TLA is looking into the camera with a menacing look on his, erm, mask, and Twiggie seems to be smoking a hand rolled “cigarette”.

 

Jaxx produces an envelope from the front of the podium, he makes a big flourish to open it and feigns looking shocked.

 

Arkham: Oooh, who is it Keithy?

 

Keith: It’s Twiggie!

 

“Jungle Boy” begins to play and the crowd cheers loudly as Twigs looks up with a shocked expression on his face, he quickly takes a last toke on his “cigarette” before extinguishing it and tucking it behind his ear – quickly making his way to the staging amidst the audience who are patting him on the back as he passes them.

 

Joey: He certainly is a deserving winner.

 

Paul: I don’t know, any smelly hippy can’t be that good.

 

As the winner of the Best Newcomer award gets to the stage, his music fades out - Arkham seems really excited, he jumps up and down before giving Twiggie a big hug, the Colorado Troubadour fights his way free from the big man and turns into Jaxx who grabs hold of him for a hug as well, but his hands immediately grab for Twig’s butt which causes him to almost leap out of his skin – the crowd laugh loudly at the look on the PETA Punisher’s face.

 

Twiggie gets to the podium but keeps an eye on Jaxx who stands slightly behind him with his tag partner. Twigs picks up the award from the top of the podium, he looks at it with a smile on his face.

 

Twiggie: Whoah, well I didn’t expect this – what an honour. I have to say that I’m proud to even be nominated, but to win is fantabulous.

 

Twiggie holds up the trophy before turning away and making his way past the presenting team – the crowd cheer him as he leaves the staging.

 

Arkham: He not get bell.

 

Keith: What?

 

Arkham: Twiggles said he thought it make good bell.

 

Keith: Oh, well, it’d make the sound of a bell.

 

Jaxx winks knowingly at the crowd which garners some laughter.

 

Arkham: Now we have something people not like.

 

Keith: That’s right, we’re going to look at the Worst Tag Team.

 

Arkham: Teams people think horribobble.

 

Keith: And here are the nominations, first we have Re-Evolution.

 

Arkham: Re-Evilushie were Mills and Eagley and then Gowie.

 

The big screen changes to show clips of Re-Evolution in action.

 

Keith: The next nomination is The Judge and The Drill Sergeant.

 

Arkham: They were, oh, we knows already.

 

Arkham grins his lopsided grin as the big screen begins to show the few clips of The Judge and Drill Sergeant that are available.

 

Keith: And the last nomination is for the Million Dollar Corporation.

 

Arkham: Millillion Dollar Corpurashun are Eagley and Gowie.

 

Keith: People sure don’t like these two as a tag team.

 

The crowd laugh as the big screen cuts to scenes of the MDC in action.

 

Keith: And our winners, or should I say losers, are The Judge and The Drill Sergeant.

 

The camera shows The Judge sitting in the crowd, “Haunted” plays as he gets up and begins to slowly make his way to the staging. The music is quickly cut off though.

 

Joey: He looks none too happy.

 

Paul: I’m not surprised, he has to pick up an award for being in the worst tag team with a guy that nobody has seen in months.

 

Joey: Maybe that’s why they’re the worst team, the other guy did nothing.

 

Judge continues his slow walk up towards the stage, Arkham tries to give him a hug of congratulations, but Commandment wants no part of it, he grabs the trophy and walks towards the back of the staging.

 

We quickly cut over to Paul Heyman and Taz.

 

Joey: He wasn’t too appreciative.

 

Paul: What do you expect? Being told that he was one half of the worst tag team.

 

Joey: Very true.

 

The camera view changes to the staging once more, showing S.E.X.

 

Keith: Well, that certainly was exciting, next we have the Best Match.

 

Arkham: All matches with Gringie are bestest, he good.

 

Keith: Indeed he is, but let’s see the nominations, first of all we have The Gauntlet.

 

Arkham: Me was in that.

 

The big screen shows clips of the first Gauntlet.

 

Keith: What a match, next we have the Elimination Chamber at SummerSlam.

 

Arkham: Me not in that, but Ebil Gringie in it.

 

More clips are shown, this time of the Elimination Chamber match.

 

Keith: Another incredible match, and our last entry is Evil Gringo vs Acid Christ at WrestleMania.

 

Arkham: Oh, Ebil Gringie really in this ones.

 

A third set of match clips are shown on the large TV screen, this time the WM match.

 

The crowd cheers loudly at the three matches. Jaxx reaches down for the envelope and tears it open.

 

Keith: And the winner is, wow, we have two winners, it’s a draw – the two winners are the Gauntlet and the Elimination Chamber.

 

The crowd cheers at the two winners.

 

Arkham: Nobody come for prize?

 

Keith: Too many people would come up, and that would be bad, because they’d fight over this wonderful trophy, so instead, we’re going to keep this for the person who wrote them both, well done to him.

 

Arkham: Who that then?

 

Keith: As if you don’t know.

 

Jaxx winks at the camera as the crowd laughs loudly.

 

Suddenly there’s commotion from the audience as Christopher Eagles seems to be making his way up to the stage, he’s pushing people out of the way.

 

Joey: What does this jerk want?

 

Paul: Hey, don’t call him a jerk, he’s a world class competitor.

 

Eagles gets to the stage and snatches the mic from the top of the podium.

 

Chris: Since none of you idiots had the sense to nominate me for anything decent, I’m accepting this award for the writer of those matches.

 

Joey: What? He’s can’t do that.

 

Paul: I think he just has.

 

Eagles snatches the award from the podium, throws the mic back at the top of the podium and stomps off towards the side.

 

Arkham: That not nice.

 

Keith: No it wasn’t, but at least he’s gone now.

 

Arkham: Yes, he gone.

 

Keith: Wellllll, now we move on to the next award, it’s for Best Turn.

 

Arkham: I can do turn.

 

The big man does a quick spin, but almost loses his balance and stumbles around to laughter from the crowd.

 

Keith: That’s not how you do a turn.

 

Arkham: You do turn, show I.

 

Jaxx steps out from behind the podium and slowly beginning to spin, doing the Candice Michelle “Godaddy” spin to a loud cheer from the crowd and several wolf whistles.

 

Paul: What are those two freaks doing now?

 

Joey: Introducing the next award.

 

Paul: Doesn’t look like that to me.

 

Jaxx is back behind the podium, he straightens his t-shirt before leaning into the mic once more.

 

Keith: Back to the nominations, first we have Brett Banner.

 

Clips of Brett Banner’s turn are shown on the big-ass screen on the back of the staging to cheering from the crowd.

 

Keith: Next is somebody who we’ve not seen much of recently, and rumour has it that he was run over, but I don’t believe that, anyway, it’s The Chav.

 

The TV screen changes once more to show clips of The Chav’s turn to a few cheers from the crowd.

 

Arkham: Who next, Keithy?

 

Keith: I believe he’s one of your favourites, the last nomination for the Best Turn is Evil Gringo.

 

The two men turn and watch the screen as we see Gringo being turned on my The Future. The crowd cheer loudly.

 

Arkham: Me likes Gringy.

 

The screen splits to show the three nominations, Chav is seen smoking a cigarette while sitting in his tracksuit, Banner stares at the camera with his freaky eyes and Gringo seems to be snuggling up to his Mamacita.

 

Keith: And it’s a good thing, because he’s the winner.

 

The audience cheers loudly as “Not Listening” plays, Gringo looks surprised but quickly gets up and jogs to the staging, people patting him on the back as he goes. Getting to the staging he stands at the podium – Arkham jumps up and down clapping his hands like a child on Christmas morning. The Mexicutioner’s music fades out as he leans forwards to the mic – Jaxx can be seen checking out EG’s butt as he stands ready to speak, he nods in appreciation.

 

EG: Hey, this is honour for the Gringo, all of these esse’s who vote for me, I appreciates it.

 

Gringo holds up his trophy and suddenly gets grabbed from behind by Arkham who jumps around, holding the ex-Champion in his arms like he’s a rag doll.

 

Keith: Arkhie, big boy, don’t hurt the Gringo.

 

Arkham suddenly stops, realising that he might be hurting his hero, he puts the Mexican Sensation down and pats him on the head, a smile of apology on his face.

 

EG: Is no thing.

 

Gringo pats the big man on the chest before backing away and leaving the staging. The crowd laugh as Arkham looks apologetically at Jaxx.

 

Keith: Now that we’ve had that award, it’s onwards to the next.

 

Arkham: Can me choose what next?

 

Keith: I can’t see why not – what do you want to see, big guy?

 

Arkham: TV Champies, want to know who was bestest.

 

Keith: I think we can arrange that – here are the nominations, first up we have Phillip Martin Atken.

 

The screen changes to show shots of PMA winning the belt and his subsequent matches.

 

Keith: And the only other nomination is Vinnie Vengeance.

 

Arkham: Why not Eagley?

 

Keith: Come on, as if somebody would nominate Christopher Eagles as best something.

 

The crowd laugh as the camera cuts to Eagles, sat at his table, he has a sour look on his face, but he seems to be almost cradling the award in front of him.

 

Keith: Let’s look at the Violence Bringer in action.

 

The big TV changes once more to show Vengeance in action in and out of the ring.

 

After the clips the screen splits to show Atken still whispering sweet nothing into Victoria’s ear, clearly ignoring the camera, and the other side shows the Future’s table, Vengeance looks up at the camera and sneers a little.

 

Keith: And I’m sure that it’s no surprise of the winner – it’s “Violent” Vinnie Vengeance.

 

“Violence Fettish” explodes from the speakers and the people in the audience begin to boo – getting up from the Future’s table he walks to the staging, clearly ignoring the people he passes along the way. Getting to the staging his music fades out, he pushes past Jaxx, grabs up the award, he sneers around the audience before he storms off of the stage and back towards his table.

 

Arkham: He not appreciate ward.

 

Keith: Well, it’s the people who voted, so they must have liked his work.

Edited by MrFill
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Arkham: What up next?

 

?: Actually, if I may interject.

 

Keith: What?

 

Suddenly the Doctor pops up from behind the podium – the crowd cheer a little at his appearance.

 

Doctor: Young man, if I may suggest something as an impartial observer, I believe we should have an award for a team.

 

Keith: Interesting idea, shall we say Best Tag Team?

 

Doctor: Splendid idea.

 

Jaxx reaches into the podium and extracts an envelope, be begins to read.

 

Keith: The first nomination for the best Tag Team is The Future.

 

Clips of the Future in tag action are shown, them winning various matches.

 

Arkham: They not nice.

 

Keith: No, they aren’t, but they’re nominated, like our next team, the Dark Alliance.

 

More clips are shown, generally of them cheating to win.

 

Arkham: They not nice to I, say nasty things.

 

Keith: Don’t worry big guy, they’re not here to hurt you. But our next nominations include my friend here, it’s Retromark and Arkham.

 

Clips of the ill-fated team are shown, eventually beating the DA with the help of the Hulkmarks, and then various skits.

 

The view then splits into thirds, one part showing the Future’s table once more, the next showing Boyo and Sickness, the Sick One ignoring the champagne and drinking from a cheap bottle of whiskey, and the last part split in two, the top showing Blue Meaniemark, the bottom showing Arkham beside the podium. Jaxx rips open the envelope and a grin comes across his face.

 

Keith: And the winners are Retromark and Arkham.

 

Meanie’s music plays as BMmark begins his walk up towards the stage area, the crowd cheers as he gets up towards the podium, he and Arkham grin at each other as the big guy claps his hands. Meanie’s music fades out as he gets to the podium.

 

BMM: Well folks, we certainly had a fantastic run, and my time as Champion was great, so thank you everyone who voted for us.

 

The crowd cheers again as Blue Meaniemark raises his award and leaves the stage.

 

Arkham: Me get award too?

 

Keith: Well, there’s only one for the team, so I think Meaniemark has it now.

 

Arkham: Friend has, so that good.

 

Doctor: I’m sure he’ll take good care of it.

 

Keith: Allllriiiiiight, next we go from a best to a worst, it’s the Worst Heel.

 

Arkham picks up his foot and looks at it.

 

Arkham: My heel bad?

 

Keith: Not that kind of a heel, we’re talking about a bad guy, who is just bad.

 

Doctor: And some of these are really bad.

 

Keith: Out first nomination is Tom Trash.

 

The big screen changes and shows Trash, during the short lived Trash Talking, his failed run with the US Championship and bits with The Future.

 

Keith: Next up we have Jordi Warner.

 

Arkham: Who he?

 

Doctor: Exactly.

 

The TV changes to show bits of Warner, him winning the Tag Championship, standing in the ring, looking a little lost, and basically doing nothing else.

 

Keith: Wow, that was exciting.

 

Doctor: It was?

 

Keith: Well, our final nomination is Mikhail Mills.

 

For the third time the screen changes to show Mills, winning the World Title and spending time in Re-Evolution.

 

Doctor: HE was a World Champion?

 

Keith: For about 30 seconds.

 

Arkham: Who best, no, mean worst?

 

The TV splits into 3 parts – the left shows Mills sitting right near the stage, Warner’s seat is empty and Trash, slumped in his chair at the Future’s table, drink in hand. Jaxx lifts up the envelope, pops it open looks inside.

 

Keith: And the winner is Mills.

 

Before his music can hit, Mills storms onto the stage from in front of it, he snatches up the award and just leaves the staging.

 

Joey: I don’t think Mills was very happy about winning that award.

 

Paul: Would you be? Being told that you’re the worst at your job is kind of an insult.

 

Joey: but at least he still won an award.

 

Back at the podium, the Doctor grabs the envelope before Jaxx can pick it up.

 

Doctor: If you don’t mind, I’ll do the next one.

 

Keith: Since you have the envelope already.

 

Doctor: Next up we have the Best Storyline, first up we have The Future versus Evil Gringo.

 

Arkham: Gringy win, me likes Gringy.

 

The big TV shows clips of the Future’s feud with Evil Gringo, the various attacks and matches.

 

Doctor: Next, we have Extreme Revolution versus TWOstars.

 

Clips are shown of the lead-up to One Night Stand, then the matches at King of the Ring.

 

Arkham: Where Estream Revilushie now?

 

Keith: Who knows, maybe that’s why they’re no long in business.

 

Doctor: And our final nomination is Deadman’s Return.

 

The TV changes to show various pages on websites, messages, and then Deadman’s return to attack Gower, and clips of their match.

 

Arkham: Who win? Hope Gringie win.

 

The doctor somehow manages to open the envelope as the screen splits to show rolling images of the various feuds.

 

Doctor: And the winner is Deadman’s Return.

 

“You’re Gonna Pay” hits the speakers and Deadman glares at the camera, he rises from his chair and slowly makes his way to the stage.

 

Arkham: He scary, me not like.

 

Arkham quickly scoots from the staging, but Jaxx and the Doctor stays on the podium, watching the ERE’s owner make his way. Getting to the podium he picks up the award. His music fades out as he leans towards the mic.

 

Deadman: I know I annoyed a lot of people with the build-up to my return, but at this point, I feel it was worth it – thank you for recognising this.

 

Deadman slowly walks off of the staging as Jaxx reaches down for the next envelope.

 

Joey: Don’t know if Jaxx and Doctor HandSolo can continue without Arkham.

 

Paul: How exactly is the Doctor still moving about, I thought he was a glove puppet.

 

Joey: I suppose it’s the same way that he talks.

 

Paul: In other words, you don’t know.

 

Back on the stage, Jaxx begins to read the next award.

 

Doctor: Out next award will be for the Best Face.

 

Keith: It won’t be Paul Heyman then, have you seen how ugly he is? Even Cole wouldn’t touch him.

 

The crowd laughs as Heyman looks angrily at the host.

 

Keith: Our first nomination is my partner’s favourite, it’s Evil Gringo.

 

The crowd cheers as the big TV begins to show clips of Gringo in action, with Becki, defending the arena, and in matches.

 

Keith: Second up is Retromark.

 

The various persona’s of RM are shown on the screen, him in matches, and his arrivals after being fired.

 

Keith: Lastly is my tag partner, the Insane One, Arkham.

 

Clips are displayed of Arkham’s antics, him dressing up with the various personas of RM, him trying to help people, and then the setup of SEX.

 

Again the screen splits into three, Gringo is once more snuggling up with Becki, Warriormark is standing at the back of the tables, breathing heavily and wobbling one of the red ropes around the seating area, the third part shown Arkham, trying to hide from Deadman as he walks backstage.

 

Jaxx makes a huge flourish with the envelopes and then opens it.

 

Keith: And our winner is, wow, this is a surprise, it’s my friend, Arkham.

 

“Insane in the Brain” begins to play and the camera man backstage grabs the big guy, trying to steer him to the stage, scouting around Deadman he runs onto stage before jumping up and down, he runs at Jaxx before giving him a big hug, the sausage jockey clearly grabs hold of the big man’s butt during the hug.

 

Paul: Look at that, it’s disgusting.

 

Joey: Keith just hugs in a different way from most people.

 

Arkham eventually releases the hug and his music fades out, he picks up the award and leans into the mic.

 

Arkham: Me not expect to win, me likes being here, thankee.

 

Doctor: Well, we have to continue on, so if you can put that down somewhere, we’ll carry on, and from our Best to our Worst Face.

 

Keith: Stop talking about Paul Heyman, will you?

 

The crowd laughs once more as Heyman scowls at the camera.

 

Keith: Our first nomination is the Dominator.

 

Arkham: Who he?

 

Keith: Apparently he left a while ago.

 

Doctor: But his work was apparently “awesome”.

 

Clips are shown on the big screen of Dominator, his one main event push, his “awesome” promos and matches.

 

Keith: Next is the Judge.

 

Arkham: He taggy champ?

 

Doctor: Yes, currently with Jimmy Redman.

 

Keith: And we all remember SEX with Jimmy Redman.

 

Jaxx grins at the camera once more to another laugh from the crowd.

 

The big screen changes once more to show clips of the Judge, carrying his sledgehammer and his short tag champ run with Warner.

 

Keith: And our final nomination is Mikhail Mills.

 

Arkham: He bad foot too.

 

Doctor: Close enough.

 

Clips are shown of Mills and the feud with Eagles which drove him out of the company.

 

Keith: And our loser, is…

 

Jaxx opens the envelope, he prepares to read it. The big TV is split into 3 parts once more, Dominator’s empty seat on the left, in the middle part is The Judge looking grumpy, his sledgehammer at his side, and on the right is an empty seat with Benjamin Black sitting beside it.

 

Arkham: Who ugliest?

 

Keith: Well, the Worst Face is the Dominator.

 

The view focuses on Dominator’s empty seat, but suddenly changes as Christopher Eagles storms up onto the staging, he pushes Jaxx out of the way, grabbing the award.

 

Chris: Yet another stupid award, so I’m taking this and calling it the “Best Star in TWOstars History” – thank you for making me a two time award winner.

 

Eagles storms off once more, with his second “acquired” award.

 

Joey: That’s the second time he’s done that.

 

Paul: I suppose he believes that he deserves it.

 

Joey: Just because he didn’t get nominated for anything decent, he thinks he should have them?

 

Paul: Sounds good to me.

 

Back at the podium, Arkham, Jaxx and the Doctor are watching Eagles as he leaves the staging, grasping the award to his chest.

 

Keith: Well, erm, onto the next award, we have the Best US Champion.

 

Doctor: This should be a short list, not many of them have been good.

 

Arkham: Me read, I not read any yet.

 

The view quickly cuts to Styles and Heyman.

 

Paul: Can the idiot actually read?

 

Joey: I have no idea, but it looks like we’re about to find out.

 

Again we see the podium, Arkham looks at the back of the envelope, a confused look on his face.

 

Arkham: Number one person be Tommy Trash.

 

Doctor: How the hell did he get a nod as best US Champ?

 

Arkham holds the envelope up to the Doctor’s face to show him, this gets a small laugh from the audience who realise the futility of the gesture.

 

The big TV screen changes to show Trash, well, not really doing much with the US title.

 

Arkham: Next US Champie is Chav.

 

Doctor: Didn’t he get run over?

 

Arkham: Not think so.

 

The screen changes again to show clips of the Chav, his shell suit, cigarette in mouth, basically being a Chav.

 

Arkham: Oooh, last Champie to get nomominashie is Keithy.

 

Keith: Me? Little old me?

 

Doctor: Like you didn’t know.

 

Once again we see clips, this time of Keith in matches, using his now famous dildo mic and various antics.

 

The screen splits after the clips to show Trash, still slumped in his chair, taking a swig from a bottle of champagne, Chav stubbing out his cigarette butt onto his plate, and Keith on the stage, Arkham jumping around him.

 

Doctor: Well, since the big guy seems a little bit pre-occupied, the winner is…

 

The Doctor rips open the envelope and his expression doesn’t change, well, it wouldn’t, would it, I mean, he’s a glove puppet after all, well, a glove puppet that out-smarted the TV Champion.

 

Doctor: Our winner, here he is, Keith Jaxx.

 

Arkham jumps at Jaxx, scooping him up in his arms as “Wild Boys” plays, the big guy twirls around with the sneaky butcher being swung around like a small child.

 

Doctor: Excuse me Arkham, can you put him down please?

 

Arkham suddenly stops and places Jaxx down, the sausage jockey staggers for a second, slightly out of balance, he grasps the podium, knocking the Doctor onto the floor, picking up the award, he leans into the mic as his music cuts off.

 

Keith: Wowsers, this is fantastic, I know exactly where this is going to go.

 

Jaxx grins, holds the award aloft before holding it to his chest and then placing it at the foot of the podium, he looks for the fallen Doctor, but then notices that the Doc is already sat back up on the podium, he does a double take.

 

Arkham: What next, Keithy?

 

Keith: Oh, sorry, I think it’s our last Worst of the night, it’s the Worst Story.

 

Doctor: And trust me, some of these were horrible.

 

Keith: Well, let’s see the nominations, first up is The Judge versus Jordi Warner.

 

The screen changes to show the small parts of the Judge/Warner feud that actually happened.

 

Keith: Next on this list is Mikhail Mills versus Christopher Eagles.

 

Arkham: They Re-Evilushie, yes?

 

Keith: They were.

 

The big TV changes to show the clips of the feud, their final match which removed Mills from the company.

 

Keith: And lastly, we have Tom Trash versus The Lonely Avenger.

 

Doctor: Tom Trash was part of a feud?

 

Keith: Well, he was part of this one.

 

For a third time the screen changes to show clips of Trash’s feud with TLA. After the clips the screen changes to show rotating snippets of the feuds.

 

Keith: And our loser, or rather, winner is Tom Trash versus The Lonely Avenger.

 

The camera shows Trash and TLA sat at their tables, Tom Trash seems to be completely drunk, he’s slumped completely and falls off of his chair, The Punishing Horror stands up and walks towards the stage – “Lonely World” plays as he slowly walks up towards the stage, his mask is a mask of terror, well, it would be a mask, right?

 

Getting to the stage his music fades out and get snatches up the award.

 

TLA: I’m supposed to be happy about this? Well, I’m not – I would point the finger for the blame, but I think we know why this story was so bad.

 

Storming off of the stage and back to his seat, TLA casts a glaring stare back across the tables.

 

Keith: So, only three awards left, the next being the best Tag Team Champions.

 

Arkham claps and gets excited.

 

Arkham: Me was Taggie Champeen.

 

Doctor: Yes, I think we know that. So, who are the nominations?

 

Keith: First we have Tom Trash and The Incredible Holt - The Future.

 

The screen cuts to show The Future in action, Holt destroying people and Trash trashcanning people.

 

Keith: Our second team are Boyo and Sickness – The Dark Alliance.

 

Scenes of the DA’s first match together, cheating to win their matches and other clips of their antics.

 

Keith: And lastly is the team of Retromark and Arkham.

 

Arkham: Who Retromark?

 

Doctor: They mean your friends.

 

Arkham: Me like friends, have many friends.

 

Clips are shown of Arkham and the various gimmicks of Retromark, Arkham dressing with his “friends” and their various matches.

 

The screen then splits into three again, The Dark Alliance on the first part, Sickness is swigging from his cheap whiskey, the second part of the screen shows Tom Trash on the floor beside his chair and the rest of The Future just ignoring him – the last part shows Animalmark, sitting at his table, glaring at the camera, pulling faces. Keith flips open the envelope.

 

Keith: Our winners, and here we go again, Arkham and Retromark.

 

“What a Rush” begins to play, Animalmark gets up and walks towards the stage, the camera cuts back and we see Arkham with his big spiked should pads on, he appears to have a mohawk wig on.

 

Animalmark gets up onto the stage, he comes and stands beside Arkham, the big guy leans forwards.

 

Arkham: Weelllll, the Leegie of Doom are here to accept award.

 

Animalmark (shouting): We totally deserve this award, so I’m taking it.

 

AM grabs the statue and walks off, Arkham leaps about clapping his hands.

 

Keith: Arkham, please, back to business.

 

Arkham: Sorry Keithy.

 

Arkham pulls off the shoulderpads, drops them onto the floor and pulls his wig off of his head.

 

Doctor: Where did you get that stuff from anyway?

 

Arkham: Get what?

 

Doctor: The penultimate award is for Best World Champion.

 

Arkham: This easy, Gringie my favie, so he win.

 

Keith: It doesn’t work that way big guy, but here are the nominations, firstly we have the first TWOstars World Champion, Acid Christ.

 

The crowd cheers as the screen shows clips of Acid in action, him in ring, having fun and drinking his cider.

 

Keith: Next, in order of Championship, is Evil Gringo.

 

Arkham: Yes, me likes Gringie.

 

Keith: I think we know that by now.

 

Clips of Gringo’s title reign are shown, various bits of his matches and his segments with his Mami.

 

Keith: And our last nomination is The Incredible Holt.

 

The TV changes to show clips of TIH, him winning the title in the Chamber, destroying other wrestlers and clips of him backstage.

 

After the clips the screen changes to be split into 3, AC, Gringo and Holt are shown.

 

Keith: And the winner is… Evil Gringo.

 

“Not Listening” starts to play again and Arkham leaps about as Gringo comes up for his second award, he makes his way up to the stage, manages to side-step the big guy’s embrace and quickly grab the mic as his music is cut.

 

EG: Before I’m accosted, thank you all.

 

Gringo ducks the Insane One’s grasp once more, obviously wary of his hug after the last time. The Mexicutioner quickly leaves the stage and returns to his table.

 

Keith: The last award is for the MVP.

 

Arkham: Emmveepee?

 

Keith: It stands for Most Valuable Player.

 

Arkham: Why it Emmvee then?

 

Keith: Trust me, I’m a doctor.

 

Doctor: No you’re not, I am.

 

Keith: Oh yeah.

 

Keith laughs along with the crowd’s smattering of laughter.

 

Keith: We won’t have any videos though as there can’t be any, so our nominations are as follows, Darkstar, Christof, Gringo and MrFill.

 

Doctor: All of them are deserving winners, so they all deserve something.

 

Keith: Well, the work itself is it’s own reward, but the person that you all voted to be the Most Valuable is Darkstar.

 

The crowd erupts with applause as his award is held up high by Jaxx.

 

Keith: Paul, this one is yours.

 

The credits roll as the camera pans around the various stars seated at their tables.

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