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Quotes from the brilliant Taz-Matthews commentary team


Naitch
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Saw this posted at another forum (ssshhhh don't mention the competition). It is a list of quotes from the shortlived but fantastic Taz-Josh Matthews commentary team on Velocity, where the two had more chemistry than any other commentary team in the WWE. Basically right now, you have the best announcer in the WWE (well joint maybe, along with Joey Styles) and BY FAR the best colour commentator and they aren't working together on a main show, which I think is ridiculous. The quotes include the finest commentary exchange in wrestling history, which goes something like this:

 

Josh: "You know Tazz, Matt mentioned the solar system. You hate the solar system."

Tazz: "I can't stand the solar system."

 

The rest of the quotes (and it is a pretty big list) are as follows:

 

August 30, 2003

Tazz takes a not-so-subtle jab at the Cat saying to Josh, "I know you’re used to working by yourself, but tonight you’re not, you know?"

 

 

September 6, 2003

Tazz reminds us that Josh is just the kid from Tough Enough;

Josh: "That was two and a half years ago!”

Tazz: "It was two and a half years ago, but you haven’t done squat since."

Josh: "Well, I’m sitting next to you, so I must’ve done something right."

Tazz: "No, I did something wrong!"

 

 

After Josh calls Orldando Jordan's series of jabs the Johnson Shuffle;

Tazz: "The Johnson Shuffle? How do you shuffle your Johnson?"

 

 

Josh: "It’s Mattitude time, Version One Time on Velocity!"

Tazz: "You sound like an idiot."

Josh: "At least I don’t look like an idiot [very quickly added] not saying that you do, but I don’t."

Tazz: "You know, I just seen your life flash before my eyes."

 

 

Tazz and Josh decided a tag match between Matt Hardy/Shannon Moore and Ultimo Dragon/Funaki is "the Carolina Connection vs the Tokyo Express." For what it's worth I think both of those names could have stuck.

 

 

September 13, 2003

During a tag match between the Bashams and Scott Vantastic/Pokerface;

- Tazz: "With a name like Vantastic, you’d think he’d have a headlock applied properly."

- After Danny elbows Pokerface on the apron, Tazz says "Watch out, Basham, you don’t want to get him hot!"

- The Pokerface insults continue as Tazz desribes him as "Pokerface, 145 pounds soaking wet with a brick in his pocket."

- After Pokerface loses, Tazz says, "Thanks for coming Pokerface, go back to tap dancing."

- Tazz mockingly describes the win as "Probably one of the biggest wins for the Bashams ever."

 

 

Josh suggests that Tazz call "Yoshi Numbers" in Japan to take care of Ultimi Dragon for wearing Orange.

 

 

Josh describes Ultimo's kick as a field goal kick and Tazz insists;

Tazz: "They don’t play football in Tokyo over there, nitz."

Josh: "They don’t play football in New York, just look at the Jets!"

Tazz: "You suck, how about that? I’m gonna put my foot in your ass!"

Josh: "Oh, hey Cat, you’re back!"

 

 

Josh: "Tazz, maybe you should save your voice, because you’ve got to call a sixty minute match this week."

Tazz: "Maybe you should kiss my ass."

 

 

Tazz: "I’ll tell you what, when I need announcing advice from you, I... don’t. Or something like that."

 

 

Tazz gets annoyed with Josh calling Benjamin and Hass the "Self-Proclaimed" World's Greatest Tag Team;

Tazz: "I got an idea."

Josh: "Yeah, I got an idea - why don’t you stop hurting me with your words!”

After Tazz almost dies laughing he desribes his partner as the "Tazz Proclaimed World’s Worst Play by Play Guy Josh Matthews."

 

 

September 20, 2003

Tazz: "Teacher versus student here. Pupil versus... pupil... uh... pupil... yeah, teacher versus student here."

 

 

Tazz: "Are you related to Joey Matthews? Because your name is Josh Mathews."

Josh: "Yeah, no relation. He has two Ts in his last name, I have one."

Tazz: "I have one T in mine too."

Josh: "Two Zs, though."

Tazz: "That's right. I used to have one, but that's another story."

 

 

During the Chuck Palumbo vs. Orlando Jordan match;

Josh: "The show's almost over. Tazz wants to get out of here so he can go hang out with Pokerface."

 

When Josh mentions that Orlando is limping;

Tazz: "Orlando's limp - something you [Josh] know all about."

 

When Chuck Palumbo does a Samoan Drop;

Tazz: "I didn't know that Palumbo had a Samoan background! You don't have to be Samoan to do a Samoan Drop, though. I used to do Irish Whips, and I'm not Irish!"

 

When Chuck is tied up in a tree-of-woel

Josh: "Depending on where you are, it's not bad to be upside down on Saturday Night."

 

Orldando mounts a comeback and

Josh: "Shades of Tito Santana!"

Tazz: "Shades of Rick Martel! Not really, I just wanted to bring up another old timer."

Josh: "It's a big Strike Force happening right here."

At this point, Orlando climbs to the top rope;

Tazz: "The Powers Of Pain Crossbody!"

 

 

During the Kidman vs. Shannon Moore match;

Tazz: "Shades of Pokerface!"

 

When Shannon does a spinning head scissors;

Tazz: "Shades of Tazz!"

 

When Kidman connects with a dropkick;

Tazz: "Right in the face of Shannon Moore - no more tea bagging for Shannon Moore."

 

When Shannon throws a tantrum;

Tazz: "Shades of Michael Cole right there if he don't get his way."

 

 

September 27, 2003

Tazz: "Nunzio's in complete control of this match, Josh Matthews - IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME."

 

 

Josh: "It's like Kidman has springs in his shoes."

Tazz: "Or he can jump real high."

 

 

Josh: "I don't play softball."

Tazz: "Yeah, you just have them."

 

 

When Paul London climbs to the top for the Shooting Star Press:

Josh: "Pull the R Trigger on your Game Cube."

Tazz: "I got something for you to pull."

 

 

After Tazz calls Sean O'Haire a big cat;

Tazz: "Didn't you used to work with a guy named Cat?"

Josh: "Yeah, Ernest the Cat!"

Tazz: "Someone called his momma, I heard."

 

 

Josh says Tazz knows Crowbar, but Tazz denies it;

Josh: "Yes, you do - remember, you guys had a match, before."

Tazz: "No, I really don't know - I never wrestle a man named Crowbar in my life."

Josh: "Liar - standing switch there by Crowbar."

Tazz: "I'm not lying! You're a liar, you little shmuck. I never wrestled a guy named Crowbar. I wrestled a guy named Devon Storm, never a guy named Crowbar. So do your homework."

Tazz: "So, Josh, you still want to try to bash me on national TV - we're on Spike TV, they love me on Spike by the way."

Josh: "I wasn't trying to embarrass you."

Tazz: "I never wrestled a man named Crowbar in my life, I wrestled Crowbar when he wrestled under a different name!"

Josh: "The guy in the ring right there, you've had a match with. Crowbar."

Tazz: "But not as Crowbar, as a different name. Like you, when you were on Tough Enough - oh, you were actually the same, actually a different name, but that's a different story too."

Josh: "What the hell are you talking about?"

Tazz: "I have no idea! But that was a drop toe hold by CROWBAR."

Josh: "Crowbar, a BMX biker in the off-season"

Tazz: "That has a lot to do with the wrestling match."

Josh: "Talking about his knee pads. He's got BMX biking kneepads."

Tazz: "You don't know what those kneepads are for! I mean you wear kneepads - and you're not a wrestler!"

Josh: "Only in my social life do I wear kneepads."

Back to calling the match, Josh works in a "Shades Of Pokerface" on a Crowbar dropkick.

Tazz: "Crowbar, very religious."

Josh: "I don't know what that has to do with anything."

Tazz: "He's got whole-y pants!"

Tazz: "I was gonna call him the Mixed Martial Artist master, but I don't know if he's a Master. I know he's got a black belt in Kempo."

Josh: "Doesn't that make you a master, if you have a black belt?"

Tazz: "No, as usual, you're saying you're only talking about. Just because you've got a black belt doesn't make you a master. You need certain levels of a Dan, which is, uh, you know, like a black belt, different level of a black belt to become a sensei."

Josh: "Crowbar's got a black belt on right now."

Tazz: "Actually, he does. Good point."

Josh: "So Crowbar's technically a black belt!"

Tazz: "Well..."

Josh: "HEY referee Mike Sparks has a black belt on too!"

Tazz: "And look at you, you got a pink belt on, and what does that make you, you little silly little [pauses as he remembers this is being taped for TV and the words he'd like to use aren't that good of an idea] you know, what I always call you in the back."

Josh starts randomly talking about the Karate Kid and the Crane, while Tazz unenthusiastically says "yea, that's funny. That's funny." Back to calling the match. O'Haire uses the spine kick.

Josh: "If Sean O'Haire wasn't a professional wrestler, he could be a field goal kicker!"

Tazz: "He IS a professional wrestler, Josh."

Josh: "I said if he wasn't"

Tazz: "Oh, okay."

Tazz: "Crowbar's put some weight on - but he looks good though!"

Josh: "Yea, Crowbar a former cruiserweight champion in WCW - I don't think Crowbar is Cruiserweight eligible."

Tazz: "Well, I'm no one to talk, I put weight on too, but then again I'm retired."

Calling some more of the match, but Tazz can't let go of the subject.

Tazz: "You know who needs to put weight on, right, you know who need to put weight on?"

Josh: "Who?"

Tazz: "Michael Cole - know what he says to me? Lookat this, full body slam right here."

Josh: "No Tazz what did Michael Cole say to you?"

Tazz: "On SmackDown, that fool Cole says to me 'Cruiserweights don't like food, they don't eat catering.' What kinda comment was that?"

Josh: "I don't know - I mean, Michael Cole does call himself Shoelace too - oh, small package!" [kickout]

Tazz: "That's because he's built like one!"

Tazz says Crowbar but it comes out something like "Clawbar", so Josh helps out.

Josh: "Crow. Bar."

Tazz: "Crow? CAW CAW! CAW CAW! CAW CAW! You say crow, I crowed, like a, like a, CAW CAW!"

Josh makes his weekly bad "let's go to a bar and do this" joke.

 

 

Josh: "Shaniqua's always inserting herself!"

Tazz: "Well, Shaniqua's always inserting herself, and sometimes she's inserting other people too."

 

 

October 4, 2003

Josh: "Tazz, I lost a lot of money on that West Virginia/Miami Hurricane game."

Tazz: "That's really great, no one cares."

 

 

Tazz: "Shannon Moore's dragon is getting bigger... I mean the tattoo on his arm."

 

 

Tazz: "She's such a tomato, Nidia. That's a hell of a beaver...she's got on."

 

 

Tazz tells a bizzare stroy about the Big Show going to the bathroom;

Tazz: "PLOP! A midget fell out! The midget wasn't alive though. That's sad, yeah, sad. But Big Show carries a lot of things in his body. He's like a great white shark."

 

 

After describing Shannon Moore as being cocky;

Tazz: "That's what my grandma used to say - be cocky Tazz, just don't smell like ****."

 

 

When Shannon Moore throws a tantrum;

Tazz: "Shades of Michael Cole again, throwing that tantrum, when he's at the bar, when they say 'No more Shirley Temples for you Cole, you're acting up.'"

 

 

When Sean O'Haire throws Kevin Kruger;

Tazz: "Shades of Ken Pantera!"

 

 

When Josh suggests that whoever wins the upcoming match between Tajiri and Mysterio "breaks the rubber";

Tazz: "Breaks the rubber? That's dangerous."

 

 

When Josh asks Tazz why Nunzio isn't hooking the leg;

Tazz: "You're just like Cole, you think I've got ALL the answers because I was a great wrestler."

 

 

October 11, 2003

When Josh does the generic ""[Face] may not even make it to [big show] to take on that dastardly [heel], because [non-feared jobber] may take him out right here, tonight on [b-show]" bit;

Tazz: "Are you a moron?"

 

 

Josh: "Tazz, I wasn't implying you're smart - I think you're a genius."

Tazz: "I think you're an idiot."

 

 

When Tazz sees a sign saying "Matt Hardy for US President;

Tazz: "Whhat the hell, you got, uh, you know, Terminator, whatever the hell, Arnold, you know, he's the governor of, what is it, San Diego?"

Josh: "Close enough."

 

 

Tazz describes Tyson Dux;

Tazz: "This is the guy who dances like he sat on a pointy object!"

 

Tazz: "It's like he's got a rabbit up his ass!"

 

Josh: "In your words Tazz, Tyson Dux looks like he swirls banana juice all the time."

Tazz: "This guy's a banana juice sucker from the word go."

 

Tazz: "This kid can dance, he's entertaining, but so was Sammy Davis and he couldn't kick Matt's ass."

 

Tazz: "Is this kid Russian?"

Josh: "I dunno - every time this kid's on Velocity, he's from a different town!"

Tazz: "That's because every town he goes to, they see his dancing and kick his ass out."

Josh: "That could be a good reason. I mean, today we heard he's from Hartford, CT. I don't think he's from Hartford."

Tazz: "If I was him, I wouldn't be proud of that - who the hell who wants to be from that cesspool? I like it there."

Josh: "No you don't."

Tazz: "Well, I really don't."

 

 

Tazz: "I do like you. I like you more than Michael Cole. And I think I'm going to have Cole fired, and have you sit next to me on Thursday nights."

Josh: "That's gonna be tremendous! I can't wait."

Tazz: "Eh, maybe not."

Jozh: "I'm just glad that we're spending your birthday togther."

Tazz: "So am I. You gonna take me out for a piece of cake or something, what are you going to do?"

Josh: "We're going go out to a bar."

Tazz: "Oh, really?"

Josh: "Yeah, we'll find someone dancing ladies, now that you're old enough to drink."

Tazz: "Maybe we'll get a cheeseburger deluxe something and a milkshake? What do you think?"

Josh: "That sounds like a plan to me."

Tazz: "You look like you need a meal."

 

Tazz: "There is a difference between speed and quickness. There is!"

Josh: "Do you care to elaborate on that?"

Tazz: "No."

 

 

When the bouncy Confidential eyeall graphic bounces across the screen;

Tazz: "Boing boing boing. I love the eyeball! I love 'balls! [] the hell!?!"

Josh: "Yes, you just said that."

Tazz: "That was a mistake! Must've been thinking about Cole again - what the hell!?!"

 

 

October 18, 2003

Josh mentions Orlando Jordan started boxing at nine and suggests, "most kids don't know how to tie their shoes at nine." Tazz rightfully makes fun of him.

 

 

Josh: "Matt a tremendous give - he loves to give Shannon Moore tea bags..."

 

 

Josh suggest that Tazz will take over the company if Vince loses his position;

Tazz: "The first thing I'm going to do is to fire you."

Edited by Naitch
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ya get rid of cole. The funniest thing I have ever heard them say is this.

It was during the angle eddie match during the summer i think well anyways.

Eddie flips over angle and grabs his tights but this is what cole and Tazz say.

Cole:"Eddie's got the tights!"

Next words out of Tazz are this

Tazz:"Small package! Small Package!"

Funniest thing ever heard from those two.

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Tazz done that "If that is his real name" comment at the battle royal at WrestleMania 21 & on the Australian tour WWE went on in, like, 2002 or something. I say have Joey Styles & Tazz do RAW & have Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler do SmackDown! Styles & Tazz did a night of commentary together in ECW (according to Styles) and of course Cole & King did SD! for a night when Tazz was gone and I think they also worked together on RAW before Cole went to SD!
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Tazz done that "If that is his real name" comment at the battle royal at WrestleMania 21 & on the Australian tour WWE went on in' date=' like, 2002 or something. I say have Joey Styles & Tazz do RAW & have Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler do SmackDown! Styles & Tazz did a night of commentary together in ECW (according to Styles) and of course Cole & King did SD! for a night when Tazz was gone and I think they also worked together on RAW before Cole went to SD![/quote']

Not to mention King and MC did SD before Tazz even became an announcer, for about a year or so.

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The chemistry does seem undeniable' date=' Tazz is hilarious, I don't ever remember him being that funny with MC.[/quote']

He can be, but with Cole being "flat" in comparison, they don't play on it.

 

I love it when Taz insults Cole, calling him things like "Girl Pants". :D

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