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CHUCK NORRIS


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Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he

grew a beard.

 

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

 

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability.

Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back.

The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming.

They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

 

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

 

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

 

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

 

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them.

JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

 

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.

Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

 

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

 

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't read books.

He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

 

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris

you may be only seconds away from death.

 

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat

the living **** out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

 

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman.

He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard".

Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day.

The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible.

Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

 

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

 

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes

only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.

Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

 

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

 

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

 

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour.

He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

 

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face.

He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back.

He always makes it to Oregon before you.

 

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on

Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris.

His reasoning? It was more "humane".

 

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.

Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he

taketh away.

 

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

 

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

 

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the **** out of little kids.

 

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from

drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up.

This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

 

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your

erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

 

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

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Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Unfortunately, he has never cried.

 

According to my INTERNET SOURCES, there's a book due out which has a ton of these for the originator of this sort of thing, Vin Diesel, and also features MS Paint illustrations. A must for every family this Christmas, I'm sure you'll agree.

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