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The Cheer up Darkstar thread


Paul
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Hey all, as you may have guessed from the thread title, Im a bit down and need cheering up!

 

Despite spending a week and a half in hospital my Big Giant Thumb ( also known as Gemma ) has been told she still has the bug which put her in hospital anyway (psudamonus I think its called) and so will need 3 MONTHS taking nebulised antibiotics. This is twice a day for 20 mins at a time! And it will make her asthma worse! To say she is upset about it is an understatement. And it will effect both of our ability to work as I will be needed to look after her during this time!

 

And to make matters worse, I have just tried to run a bath and the waters brown! Turns out there has been some trouble with the pipes and dirt got into the supply!

 

But to top it all off I have lost the sharp knife I use to cut chips! Damn it all to hell!

 

 

So someone, please cheer me up with a funny story or a joke of some kind.

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In honour of Darkstar (and in an effort to cheer him up) I will try to sneak the following words into phone conversations with customers today (I take an average of 60 calls a day).

 

"Jizz". If you say this in the tone of voice you'd say "Cheers" they never no.

 

"Arsey" instead of "Ah, I see".

 

"All the breast."

 

and

 

"F***tard". This last one might present some difficulties.

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Heres a joke for you! Hope it at least brings a smile to your face!

 

 

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."

 

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

 

The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen."

 

"No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

 

He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

 

"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.

 

Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the hell," the second guy says, "it works, I'll try it!" He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors ...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'

 

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker, saying "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

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In honour of Darkstar (and in an effort to cheer him up) I will try to sneak the following words into phone conversations with customers today (I take an average of 60 calls a day).

 

"Jizz". If you say this in the tone of voice you'd say "Cheers" they never no.

 

"Arsey" instead of "Ah, I see".

 

"All the breast."

 

and

 

"F***tard". This last one might present some difficulties.

 

Let me know how that goes for you AC!

 

My lil bro works in a call centre and twice in one day got phones calls from people called Tom Jones, and in each conversation my brother managed to say 'Its not unusual'!

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I used to run a call centre and we used to do a few things to keep ourselves ammused.

 

The first one was buzzwords, like A.C. said, just choosing a word and the first one to get it into a call would win. Watching someone struggle to get the phrase "Gay Pride" into a call selling software was superb.

 

The other one was Miss Jackson. Any customer, or potential customer that had the surname Jackson it was a rule that you must say in the call, "i'm sorry Miss Jackson" at which point the rest of the office had to say "whoooooh". I'm sure most of the customer's heard us.

 

The third was we used to pretend to be famous people, well, to share their names anyway. We'd each pick famous people's names to steal, like I'd call up someone and say my name was Michael Owen, or Elton John or something. That was fun, and actually was a great way to get people talking to you, but it got kind of ruined when one of the students on gap year that I employed thought it would be funny to say his name was Isaac Asimov. I don't think they bought it at all.

 

I don't have any actual jokes though Darkstar, as you may have noticed I'm not a very funny guy although if you did want to read something kinda funny I'd suggest checking out the WCW diary in my sig, only one segment you need to read. The one where TrashMaster has a special guest appearance on the show and gets killed by Mike Awesome ;)

 

Seriously though, try not to get too down about it (which I know is much more easily said than done) and my prayers are with you and the big thumb.

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I don't really have any jokes as I'm not particularly funny but I hope you and Gemma don't find all this too hard. She seems to have had a really hard time of it. It's nice to see you are supporting her so well and just keep strong.

 

I'm rubbish at stuff like this so I will stop now.

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Colonel Sanders gives the Pope a call and says,

 

"Hey, I have a business proposition for you. KFC will give the Vatican £1m if you change the line in The Lord's Prayer from 'Give unto us our daily bread' to 'Give unto us our daily chicken'. Whaddya think?"

 

"No, I'm sorry Colonel," says the Pope, "it's a very sacred prayer. It cannot be changed."

 

"Ok, how about £10m?" asks Colonel Sanders.

 

"I'm sorry. No." replies the Pope, "It is a very sacred prayer."

 

"Final offer," says Colonel Sanders, "£100m, I repeat £100m straight to the Vatican if you change that line. That's all I ask. Just imagine all the good work the Vatican could crry out with that much money..."

 

"Errrr" says the Pope -

 

"Think about it." say Colonel Sanders.

 

So the Pope does. He calls a meeting with all the cardinals and they all sit around the holy table.

 

"Sirs," says the Pope, "I've got some good news, and I've got some bad news. The good news is that Kentucky Fried Chicken are giving £100m to the Vatican if we change the line in The Lord's Prayer to 'Give unto us our daily chicken.'"

 

There are some claps and some murmurings...

 

"The bad news is that we've lost the Hovis account."

 

Cheer up Darkstar!

 

Cheers!

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Hey sweetie, hope Gems gets better soon give her a hug tell her im thinking of her if i knew your address id send flowers. As for you chin up hun, I dont really know what to say to cheer you up, but you know where I am if you need to talk. Not only me either there are a lot of people on here that are good listners, I speak from realising that last week.
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The Pope has some time to kill before his next address, so he decides to sneak out for a drive. He sees that the Popemobile is surrounded, so he goes into a nearby blacked out stretch limo used to carry around his entourage. He speeds along the Vatican City and unfortunatly the police catch him and pull him over. One officer goes over, and the other stays in the car. The policeman who goes over gets a shock to find The Pope, apologises then goes back to the car leaving the Pope to speed off again.

 

"Why did you leave him?" said the policeman who stayed back in the car.

 

"Well", the second officer said, "Let's just say that the person in that limo was VERY important".

 

"What do you mean?" said the first cop.

 

The second policeman said "The guy had The Pope driving him around, for crying out loud!".

 

Hope everything works out Darkstar, you MASTER of disguise. If you need more cheering up, don't be afraid to ask TWO's Funniest Member two years running. But the streak ends in January, when rvd_king beats me for his HILARIOUS "Funny Thing" thread.

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this might cheer you up, it's a quote from the greatest man that ever walked the planet earth, Bill Hicks.

 

"It's not that I disagree with Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy, but that I believe he is a child of Satan here to destroy the planet Earth."

 

What's great is that while it wasn't even about the current Bush chumparella, it's at least as relevant.

Edited by Jayden
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yeah, an interesting and highly likely theory.

 

Bill Hicks gets killed by the CIA, for insisting that lots of other people got killed by the CIA.

 

Makes perfect sense to me, except for the fact that I've chatted with his Mother before, and donate money to a cancer charity each year on his birthday at her request. Hmm, however, maybe it was someone from the CIA pretendin to be his Mother. I mean, how would I know?

 

In fact, maybe they got to her too. Damn, now I'm accusing the CIA of killing people to shut them up, maybe I'm next?

 

Jayden

Paranoid Conspiracy Theorist.

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This was posted on the Smash Forums:

The new Liverpool Manager sent scouts out around the world looking for a new striker to replace Michael Owen and hopefully win Liverpool the title.

 

One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. The Liverpool Manager flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him come over to Anfield.

 

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 mins left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 mins and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

 

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. "Hello mum, guess what?" he say's. "I played for 20 mins today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

 

"Wonderful," says his mum, " Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time."

 

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."

 

"Sorry!" says his mum, "It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"

:lol

 

 

EDITED - Due to offense taken by certain Liverpudlian citizens of the site, I decided to edit the post and rid the site of any insults towards "scousers"...

 

 

 

...then I changed my mind :P :D - DraVen

Edited by DraVen
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