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Football Jokes


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You may have heard some of these before, but they have me in knots laughing every time I hear them . . . . . hope you all enjoy, and please don't get offended - they're only meant to entertain :xyx



The Republic of Ireland soccer team are having a meeting on the eve of a friendly against England, and Brian Kerr says to the lads: "Look lads, I know England are absolutely sh**e and we don't want to play them, but we have to or face the wrath of the FAI and UEFA".


Roy Keane peps up: "I've an idea, boss. Why don't yee all go down to the pub and let me play them on my own, after all, I'm good enough to beat them myself. And remember, they are totally sh**e!!"


"Brilliant idea, Roy," says Brian, "let's do that!"


On the day of the game, the lads are in the pub playing pool when Duffer remembers the match is on. He flicks the teletext on and up comes the score: ENGLAND 0, IRELAND 1 (KEANE, 10 min) The lads cheer and get the drinks in.


At about 4.50 pm, they go to the teletext again and up comes the score: ENGLAND 1 (BECKHAM, 93 min), IRELAND 1 (KEANE, 10 min)


"Ah f**k that!" cries Kerr, "What the f**k went wrong?"


They all leave the bar and jump into taxis and head back to Lansdowne Road. They rush in to find Keane sitting in the dressing room with his head in his hands.


"Well Roy, what the hell happened?!?" screams Kerr. Roy protests, "It was all going well and I had the game under control, when the f***ing ref sent me off in the 12th minute."



Rumours that David Beckham was seen successfully seducing a young woman in a Vienna nightclub with a one-liner last month after the England vs Austria game have been completely refuted by the English FA. A spokesman stated: "We find it totally preposterous to suggest that one of our players could make a successful pass to or at anyone."



Tina lives in London, married to an oil rigger, pots of money, luxury apartment, Ferrari, but bored shitless, as the old man is working away all the time. One steamy Sunday afternoon she grabs the Ferrari and goes for a drive.


She comes across Becks, standing at the traffic lights waiting to cross the road. She beckons him over and invites him for a ride. Halfway round the block she invites him back to her place.


"Mix a couple of drinks," she says, "I'll just slip into something a little more comfortable". She's back in a few minutes wearing a very, very sheer negligee. She saunters up to him and asks if her appearance "make him excited".


"Oh yes," Becks stammers, "I am quite excited".


"And tell me," she asks, "have you ever been this excited before?"


"Oh!" he replies, "I remember a while back when I was captaining England in Euro 2004 against Portugal, I was quite excited then".


She tries to look impressed, slips off a strap and starts to fondle herself. "And tell me," she asks, "does this excite you?"


"Oh yes," he replies.


"And tell me," she asks, as she grabs his hand and rubs it against her chest. "Have you ever been this excited before?"


"Oh yes," he replies, "I remember in the game against Portugal, we had only a few minutes to go and we were losing 2-1 and got a corner, and I said to myself now come on Becks we need a goal to draw level, and I got hold of the ball, put it down and delivered it inch perfectly into the box, and next thing you know, Frank was sticking it away in the bottom corner, 2-2!! So we took 'em to penalties and mine was the first one".


"I bet you were excited then?" she said, as she let the negligee drop to the floor.


"Oh yes I was quite excited," he said.


"And tell me," she asked as she grabbed his hand and thrust it between her legs. "Have you ever felt a c*** like this before?"


"Yes, when I missed."



- Have you heard about the new Roy Keane computer virus? It throws you out of windows apparently


- What's the difference between Alex Ferguson and God? God doesn't think he's Alex Ferguson


- Why aren't the England football team allowed to own a dog? Because they can't hold on to a lead


- Why do English Footballers make better lovers than French and Portuguese footballers? The English are the only ones who can stay on top for 90 Minutes and still come second


- Good news... Bad news....

The good news - Saddam is facing the death penalty

The bad news - Beckham's taking it


- Sophie Ellis Bextor has been found dead in a French footballers flat.

News reports state that it was "Murder on Zidane's Floor"


- Wayne Rooney has been made Manchester United's 'Vice-Captain'



David Beckham's diary



Talk about baby names in training. Yorkie says why not call him "Juan", after the number of brain cells I have. I laugh along but I don't get it.

Talk to the gaffer about it. Tell him I'm thinking of naming the baby after myself. Boss says that no kid would appreciate being called a whingeing egotistical bastard. Suggests I name baby after him.



Posh says no child of hers will be called a moaning Scottish git. In training, Yorkie asks why my missus is called Posh; I explain it's because she's a classy bird. Everyone laughs but I don't know why.



Talk to the journo who's writing my autobiography. Boss gets us motivated for the match by telling me I'll be playing against the man who cheated in the Argentina game during the World Cup. Didn't even know Owen had signed for Inter.

In training boss tells me to practise shooting before getting into the box. Yorkie says I wouldn't be in the situation I'm in now if I'd done that before. Everyone laughs but I don't get it.



Wow! Boss calls me in and gives me a ten grand a week pay rise. I never asked for it but he explains that I'll need it to keep the child in new Man United strips.



Gosh, I'm a dad. It's going to mean a whole change to my lifestyle. Now I'm going to have to maintain a nanny too. Decide to call it Brooklyn as that's where it was conceived during a weekend away. Yorkie says thank **** it wasn't that Saturday we played up the Arsenal. Everyone laughed but I didn't get it.



Gary and Phil Neville are sitting in a pub with their dog. A man comes in and looks under the dog's tail, then leaves again. Then another man comes in and does the same. Then another. And another, and another. Finally, the brothers have had enough. They collar the next guy and ask him why everyone is coming in and looking under their dog's tail. He replies: "Oh, I heard there was a dog in here with two arseholes"



Frank Lampard was in La Manga where he came across a German bird he fancied

He shouts to her "do you fancy a s**g "

She replies "nein"

He says "O.K. I'll go and get eight of my mates"



Little Johnny was in his nursery class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, policeman, salesman.


Johnny, however, was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father.


"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some screaming f** and take it up the a***."


The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring and took little Johnny aside to ask him "Is that really true about your father?"


"No," said Johnny, "he really plays for "Manchester United", but I was too embarrassed to say"



Kevin Keegan was getting worried that all his players were rubbish, so he phoned up a decent manager to ask for some advice. Alex Ferguson explained that he got all the United players to dribble round traffic cones, thus improving their close ball control. He suggested Kevin try this. Two weeks later, Fergie rang back to see how the they were coping with the new system. When he answered the phone, though, Keegan sounded quite annoyed.


"Didn't my suggestion work?" asked Alex.


"Flaming traffic cones beat us 3-0" muttered Keegan



A man desperate at Scotland's current situation decides to top himself.

In his living room, alone, he prepares to hang himself. At the very last moment, he decides upon wearing his full Scotland kit as his last statement.

A neighbour, catching sight of the impending incident, informs the police.

On arrival, the police quickly remove the Scottish kit and dress the man in stockings and suspenders. The man, totally confused asks why.


The policeman simply replies, "it's to avoid embarrassing your family."



Commentators/Footballers Screw-ups


"Once Tony Daley opens his legs you've got a problem" (Howard Wilkinson)


"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again" (Terry Venables)


"Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides like Brazil than English sides like Wales" (Ron Greenwood)


"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat" (Ron Atkinson)


"Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds - totally against the run of play" (Peter Lorenzo)


Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry. What chance do you think Germany has of getting through? Terry Venables:"I think it's 50-50."


On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country" (Ian Rush)


After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought" (Bobby Robson)


"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces." (Ron Atkinson)


"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." (Metro Radio)


Interviewer: "Would it be fair to describe you as a volatile player?"

David Beckham: "Well, I can play in the centre, on the right and occasionally on the left side."


"My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7." (David Beckham)


"It's times like this you really find out who your friends and family are" (Rio Ferdinand)


"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league." (Mark Viduka)


"He's put on weight and I've lost it, and vice versa." (Ronnie Whelan)


"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had." (David Beckham)


"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day." (Neville Southall)


"We lost because we didn't win." (Ronaldo)


"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona." (Mark Draper)


"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out." (Peter Shilton)


"I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester." (Stan Collymore)


"I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing." (Ade Akinbiyi)


"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match." (Ian Wright)


"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier." (Ugo Ehiogu)


"It took a lot of bottle for Tony (Adams) to own up." (Ian Wright)


"Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesbrough." (Jonathan Woodgate)


"If you're 0-0 down, there's no-one better to get you back on terms than Ian Wright." (Robbie Earle)


"Germany are a very difficult team to play - they had 11 internationals out there today." (Steve Lomas)


"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock." (Barry Venison)


"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet." (David Beckham)


"The opening ceremony was good, although I missed it." (Graeme Le Saux)


"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best." (Alan Shearer)


"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd." (Johnny Giles)


"Sometimes in football you have to score goals." (Thierry Henry)


"I was surprised, but I always say nothing surprises me in football." (Les Ferdinand)


"There's no in between - you're either good or bad. We were in between." (Gary Lineker)


"Winning doesn't really matter as long as you win" (Vinny Jones)



Three football fans were driving along when they spied a body in the undergrowth. Stopping their car, the three guys ran over to see what they could do. Unfortunately, they found the nude body of a deceased young woman.


Being gentlemen, the first guy dropped his Spurs hat over one breast. The second guy, a Liverpool fan, placed his hat over the other breast. The Manchester United fan then placed his hat over the woman's very private part.


Soon a policeman arrived and started checking over the body.


He picked up the Spurs hat and quickly placed it back. He then picked up the Liverpool hat and returned it. Then he picked up the Man United Fan hat, put it down, then picked it up again inspecting the hat more closely, and then put it down. Then he picked it up a third time.


By this time, the Man United fan was a bit irritated and he asked, "Why do you keep picking up that hat? Are you some kind of pervert or something?"

The copper responded with a wry smile, "Son, I can't figure this one out. Usually when I come across one of these Man United hats, there's an arsehole under it."



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- Sophie Ellis Bextor has been found dead in a French footballers flat.

News reports state that it was "Murder on Zidane's Floor"



haha...I like the stupid ones the best!!! :lol



What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Man Utd. fan?

Skid marks in front of the dog.



Why can't you get a cup of tea at Old Trafford?

All the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at Highbury.



David Beckham is celebrating; "43 days, 43 days!" he shouts happilly. Posh asks him why hes celebrating.

He answers "Well Honey, I've done this jigsaw in only 43 days."

"And that's good?" asks Posh.

"You bet Hon" says David."It says 3 to 6 years on the box."


David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank,

"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.

"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".

"Yes" replies Beckham "you should have my details on your computer".

"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"

"Why do I need help?" asks Beckham. The receptionist replies

"Well David, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker...."



Why is David Beckham like a Ferrero Roche?

They both come in a posh box


David Beckham has gone crazy believing Posh has been having an affair on him. In manic rage, he goes out and buys a gun. He rushes home to confront his wife, and finds her in bed with none other than Ruud Van Nistelroy.

Devastated, Beckham takes out the gun and points it at his own head.

"No, David don't do it." Posh cries jumping up from her spot underneath the covers...."I'm sorry and I know we can work this out."

"Shut up and sit back Victoria." Beckham replies. "You're next."

Edited by peoples eyebrow
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