Jump to content

Official Joke Thread


Omen
 Share

Recommended Posts

I saw that the joke are spaced out so i thought y not make a Joke thread and then you can post all the jokes in here.

 

A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his underpants. The barman asks, "Is that painful?"

The man replies, "Its driving me nuts!"

 

Why haven't woman been to the moon yet?

It doesn't need cleaning.

 

What's six inches long and gets woman excited?

A £50 note

 

What's got three pairs of balls and screws you twice a week?

The National Lottery

 

How do you spot a blind man in a nudist camp?

It's not hard

 

Just a few i have a big book of them so i will post more soon hope u like

Link to comment
Share on other sites


ive got two VERY funny ones but the second is rude and could be offensive so just dont read it!

 

 

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair. I made love to two 21 year old girls. Both of them. Twice." The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?" "Never Father, I'm Jewish." "So then, why are you telling me?" "Are you kidding? I'm telling everybody!"

 

 

 

******************RUDE******************

 

A well known, much-married movie star said to her doctor, "I have a new boyfriend and he's 18, so I want you to tighten my fanny. This has to be our secret - no tabloids, definitely no leaks."

 

Her doctor was standing there when she woke up after the operation.

 

She looked at the foot of the bed and saw three bouquets of flowers. She said angrily to the doctor, "How could you do this to me? I told you this was to be a secret."

 

The doctor said, "Relax. The first bouquet is from me. The second is from the anesthesiologist - he worked with me on your operation. He's gay and very trustworthy. He won't tell a soul. And the third bouquet is from a guy in the burns unit who wanted to thank you for his new pair of ears."

 

 

:lol :lol :lol :lol :lol :lol :lol :lol :lol :lol :lol :lol

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Right, seeing as we've now got the "Official Jokes Thread", Boyo had better add another couple of jokes (all rude, btw...)...

 

There are some catholic newlyweds on the first night of their marriage, in the Seychelles. Tonight is the night where they will consumate their love for each other for the first time. The man undresses, the woman looks on, excited. Then she undresses, and to the man's surprise she has the biggest, fullest, most rounded fabulous breasts he's ever seen!

"Woah, mama!" he says, "those are the biggest tits I've ever seen!", and then he proceeded to play with them. Well his new wife became angry with this and kicked him in the nuts, pulled his hair and threw him out on the balcony, naked, all night, to think about what he's done.

The man is standing outside, feeling sorry for himself when he hears a crash, looks to his left and there is another naked man, standing on the next balcony across.

"What happened?" asks the first man,

"Well, " says the second, "I'm a catholic newlywed and this is my wedding night..."

"Same here" says the first man,

"Anyway, my beautiful wife undressed and, holy moly, she has the biggest booty I've ever seen! I gave it a little slap and here I am, and I'm out here all night!"

"I know what you're going through", says the first man, and tells the second his story.

Anyway, they hear another crash and look to the balcony to the right and they see another naked man standing there.

"Let me guess," says the first man, "you put you foot in it, too?"

"No" says the third man, "but I bloody well could have!"

 

****************************************************************

 

Little Jimmyand his granddad go to a betting house. Granddad is putting on bets left right and centre and Little Jimmy is intrigued.

"Granddad", he says, "can I put a bet on?"

"Are you old enough, son?" asks granddad,

"I don't know, how can I tell?" asks Little Jimmy

"Well, can you touch your arse-hole with the tip of your willy?" Little Jimmy has a go...

"No, granddad, I can't"

"Well, son - I'm afraid you can't. Here you go, here's a pound coin, go next door and buy yourself a scratchcard - there's a good boy". So Little Jimmy goes next door and buys a scratchcard, and promptly wins £50,000!!! He runs next door to tell his granddad.

"Well, son," says granddad, "seeing as I gave you the money for that scratchcard, I think it's only fair that we split the winnings. What do you think?"

"Granddad," says Little Jimmy, "can you touch your arsehole with the tip of your willy?"

"Why yes, son" says granddad,

"Go **** yourself, then!"

 

****************************************************************

 

A couple move into a town andstruggle to make friends. They try the pubs, the clubs, the societies, the sports clubs, the swingers clubs...EVERYTHING, and yet they just cannot seem to be able to make any friends. So they go to the church and speak to the vicar about becoming members.

"Well," says the vicar, "of course you can join, and you'll make lots of friends. However, this is a strict church, and to join, you have to go without sex for 30 days and 30 nights. We think this is only fair seeing that Jesus walked the sands for 40 days. Come back in a month, abstaining from sex all the while, and you will be welcomed here as my children." The couple think this is a good enough deal.

 

They come back and see the vicar 31 days later,

"Well, how did it go?" the vicar asks

"Not good" says the man, "we made it for 29 days and nights but on the 30th day my wife dropped a lettuce on the floor, and when she bent over to pick it up, I just couldn't help myself, and before we knew it, we were on the floor making passionate love to each other!"

"Well, I'm sorry" says the vicar, "you'll have to come back in another 31 days, and try the task again."

"It' not that that bothers us!" says the man, "we'll never be allowed in Safeway again!"

 

Cheers!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just a couple of one-liners...

 

What do you call a blonde with a brain cell?

Gifted

 

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

Pregnant

 

What do you call a blonde with three brain cells?

A Golden Retriever

 

Yo mama's so fat when she sits down she's a natural habitat for condors.

 

Yo mama's so fat she has to pull her trousers down to put her hands in her pockets.

 

Yo mama's so fat when she walks in high heels she strikes oil.

 

Two Irishmen are walking down the street, when suddenly, the first one stops the other from walking...

"Woah, Paddy", he says, "You almost stepped in poo" The second has a look,

"Are you sure that's poo, Paddy?" The first man leans down and smells,

"Well it smells like poo, Paddy, and it sure looks like poo", he then puts his fingers in it, "and it feels like poo", he then tastes a little, "and *splutter*, it sure tastes like poo, Paddy."

"Well it definitely seems like it's poo, Paddy" says the second Irishman, "it's a good thing we didn't step in it!"

 

***BAD TASTE ALERT***

 

The Govt has passed a law stating that all cockle-pickers should get a pay rise. Not a great amount, however; just enough to keep their heads above water...(sorry).

 

Cheers!

Edited by Boyo
Link to comment
Share on other sites

just have a few at the moment

 

yo momma so poor, when i asked her why she was kicking a coca cola can down the street, she said she was moving house!

 

yo momma so fat, i bought her a pair of stillettoes, she put them on but when she stood up theyd turned into flip-flops!

 

yo momma so fat, when she wears her x-files t-shirt helicopters land on her!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

How do you confuse an Irish man? Put two spades in a corner and ask him to take his pick...

 

An essex girl is driving around one day when her car kid skids at a roundabout and hits the vehicle in front. An ambulance arrives quickly and the paramedic rushs to help...

"Whats your name love?" he asks.. "Sharon" she replies... Looking around the paramedic see's alot of blood..

"Where you bleeding from Sharon"? asks the paramedic..

"Romford" she replies.

 

Did you hear the one about the short sighted circumciser?

He got the sack

 

A blonde walks into a library.. "Excuse me can I have a buger and chips please?"

Tutting the librarian answers, "Miss, this is a library you know"

The blonde leans over the counter, "Sorry" she whispers, "can I have a burger and chips please?"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A women walks past a shop and the sign on the door catches her eye...

 

BEHOLD INSIDE IS THE AMAZING CLIT LICKING FROG!

 

She walks inside intrested... She walks up to the counter and asks the man.. "Can I see the clit licking frog please"

 

"Oui Madam" he replies...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

How do you confuse an Irish man? Put two spades in a corner and ask him to take his pick...

 

:lol

 

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman were over in Japan & Korea for the World Cup. On their way back, they got blamed for smuggling drugs, a crime which carries a penalty of twenty lashes of the whip. The judge, however, took pity on them and granted them each one last request before the whipping.

 

Paddy Englishman was first. He requested a pillow to be strapped to his back. Unfortunately, the pillow was tore to shreds after the first three lashes, and he got all the rest across his back.

 

Paddy Scotsman saw this and asked for TWO pillows. But after six lashes, the pillows were cut to ribbons, and he got the rest across the back.

 

Paddy Irishman was last. But since Ireland had just gone out to Spain, the guy with the whip took extra pity on him, and decided to give him two wishes.

 

Paddy Irishman thought for a second:

 

"Ok, first I'd like a hundred lashes instead of twenty"

 

The guy was speechless, but he accepted, and asked him his second wish.

 

"My second wish is to have Paddy Englishman strapped to my back"

 

:lol

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thats a good one E2K, a good one...

 

Am I allowed to tell Irish jokes seen as I'm part Irish?

 

Oh and if anyone has been offended by any jokes said then... bite me, its joke, just do what E2K has done and respond through humour, the grown up thing to do...

 

Anymore E2K, their isn't many English man jokes I heard seen as I live in England.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Anymore E2K' date=' their isn't many English man jokes I heard seen as I live in England.[/quote']

 

I have one for you Gringo

 

Two neighbours, one english guy, one Irish guy.

The Irish guy owns a hen, that lays an egg for him, without fail every morning. One particular morning, the irish guy comes downstairs, and heads outside for his egg. He notices that his hen is in the english guy's back garden, and he sees the english guy heading inside with a freshly laid egg. Furious, he calls the english guy.

 

" hey thats my hen so that egg belongs to me"

 

The english guy replies " well that hen is on my property so the egg belongs to me"

 

The irish guy replies " theres only one way to settle this, we kick eachother in the balls really hard, and whoever stays down the longest is the loser"

 

So the english guy thinks about it for a minute and reluctantly agrees. So the irish guy heads back upstairs, pulls on his steel toe-capped boots, comes back down and kicks the english guy in the crotch as hard as he can. The english guy is down for the best part of half an hour. When he finally recovers he gets up and says " ok paddy my turn"

 

The irish guy replies " Nah changed my mind . . . . enjoy your egg"

 

:lol

Link to comment
Share on other sites

WARNING!!!WARNING!!!THIS MAY CAUSE GREAT OFFENCE SO PLEEEAASE DONT BLAME ME IF YOU READ ON.

 

How does Michael Jackson know when its time for bed?

When the big hand touches the little hand!

 

Its been reported that Victoria Beckham has gotten her payback on David by having an affair of her own with Michael Jackson. Jacko denied the claims, stating that it couldnt have been him, as he was in Brooklyn at the time.

 

SORRY SORRY SORRY! :oops

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a Carrier Bag?

Ones white, made of plastic and dangerous for small children to play with the other is for carrying your shopping.

 

Whats the difference between a nun praying and a nun in the bath?

One has hope in her soul.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

MJ jokes = great stuff!

 

Anyhoo, an old wrestling wheeze that I think I paraphrased while effeding once:

 

Test is trying to climb a wall to get to, oh I don't know, let's say the steroid vendor on the other side, but he can't quite do it. There he is, a-dangling, a-huffing and a-puffing, when Vince McMahon walks past.

 

"What are you doing Test?" asks the quizzical McMahon.

 

"Give me a push, I can't get over!" replies Test, to much hilarity.

 

 

~and~

 

 

What do you call The Amazing Red v Hayabusa on an old television? Black and White Spots.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A woman has been in a coma for some time when one day during her wash one of the nurses rubs the sponge over her vagina and npticed theres a small response, so this got them thinking.

 

Later on when her husband came to visit, the nurses had had an idea, they explained what had happened to her husband and suugested trying oral sex with her in an attempt to bring her out of the coma.

 

At first the husband was dubious but came round to the idea, the nurses closed the curtains round and in he went, suddenly after about 3 mins they heard her monitor flatlining, they rushed in and asked her husband what happened the husband replied, "I'm not sure, I thnk she might have choked".

 

 

****************

 

Paddy was having a drink in a pub one afternoon, when a guy walked in with a trout, gave it to the barman who gave him a fiver for it. 15 minutes later the same thing happened again, and then again 20 minutes later.

 

So Paddy asks the barman "whats going on here, this guy brings in a trout and you give him a fiver?" the barman replies, "yeah he goes down the bridge, dangles his mate over, and when a fish swims by he grabs it, brings it here and I pay him a fiver a fish", so Paddy asks "So if I do the same thing will you give me a fiver?", the barman agrees and Paddy sets off to find Murphy.

 

So later on Paddy hangs Murphy over a bridge and waits, 15 minutes pass by and Paddy shouts "you got anything yet Murphy?", "nothing yet" replies Murphy, another 15 minutes pass by and Paddy asks Murphy again, but still he hasn't got anything. Half an hour later and suddenly Murphy shouts "QUICK PADDY PULL ME UP!", Murphy says "why, you got one?", "NO" shouts Murphy "THERES A ****ING TRAIN COMING!!!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

if easily offended please dont read

 

ive just thought of a few more michael jackson jokes

 

whats the difference between acne and michael jackson?

acne doesnt come on your face until your 13

 

What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen?

Got 2 fives for a 10?

 

Why does MJ want to be a jockey?

Because he heard they ride 3 year olds

 

Did you hear about Michael Jackson's latest song?

"Don't let your son go down on me."

 

Los Angeles police have raided Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch this

afternoon . It is being reported that they found Class A drugs in his kitchen, Class B drugs in his bathroom...and Class 4C in his bedroom.

 

He told you he was "Off the Wall", that he was a "Thriller", that he was "Bad" and that he was "Dangerous". Next album will be called "Don't say I didn't warn you."

 

What's white and in Michael Jackson's pocket?

His other hand.

 

 

 

 

thats it :D

Edited by peoples eyebrow
Link to comment
Share on other sites

How do you get four blondes to sit on a bar stool at the same time?

Turn it upside down

------------------------------------------------------------------- :D

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her, and all his professionalism went out the window.

 

He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

 

Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

 

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

 

"That is right," said the doctor.

 

He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

 

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

 

"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

 

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.

 

He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

 

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Old but funny

 

"SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!

 

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan

 

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

 

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?

The position of the dirt bag

 

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

 

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts?

 

Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

 

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

 

What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.

 

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

45 lbs

 

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes

 

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

 

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.

 

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and

good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

 

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

 

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

 

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls.

 

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

 

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"

 

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.

 

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?

Everyone has the same DNA.

 

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.

 

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?

He walks around saying "Yo."

 

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on

Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

 

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.

 

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?

They named him "Sum Ting Wongâ?

 

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.

 

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?

They're hiring.

 

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage

along with... "a recipe".

 

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

 

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale

begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

 

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?

No one's tall enough to go on the good rides."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share



×
×
  • Create New...