Best Quotes from Friends

The 90s were full of nostalgia media, but one show danced in the fountain inside of all our hearts. Yes, Friends was an iconic show that followed the experience of six very different friends as they faced trials, tribulations, and the ups and downs of life in bustling Manhattan. This fan-favorite series is still well-loved today, and while times certainly have changed, there is still plenty to enjoy in this fun sitcom.

One of the biggest reasons watchers return to this show time and again is the hilarious writing. Beyond its 10-year run, the dialogue has kept the show alive spawning memes and bringing everyone back to Central Perk for another cup. Whether you’re more of a fan of Rachel, Chandler, Monica, Joey, Phoebe, or Ross, here are the best quotes from Friends.

01
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Best Rachel Green Quotes

Starting with the youngest of the six, Rachel evolves from a naive, spoiled girl to a capable professional and mother. She’s had her fair share of sassy one-liners and come-backs, and her on-and-off-again relationship with Ross was a cornerstone of the series. Here are the best quotes from this fierce fashionista.

“That’s a great story. Tell it while you’re getting me some iced tea.”
“No uterus, no opinion.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. Did my back hurt your knife?”
“Ross! We broke up two years ago. You’ve been married since then. I think it’s okay that we see other people.”
“We are dessert stealers. We are living outside the law.”
“Just so you know, it’s not that common, it doesn’t happen to every guy, and it is a big deal!
“I’m gonna go get one of those job things.”
“Today, it’s like there’s rock bottom, then 50 feet of crap, then me.”
“I was spoiled, self-centered, and you guys really took care of me.”
“You know what I figure? If I can do laundry, there’s nothing I can’t do.”
“Who is FICA and why is he taking all my money?”
“Isn’t this exciting! I earned this! I wiped tables for it, I steamed milk for it, and it was totally… not worth it.”
“How do you expect me to grow if you won’t let me blow?”
“I’m quitting; I just helped an 81-year-old woman put on a thong and she didn’t even buy it.”
“Let me tell you about a couple of things I learned while working at the coffee house. First of all, the customer is always right. A smile goes a long way. And if anyone is ever rude to you: sneeze muffin.”
“I don’t want my baby’s first words to be ‘how you doin’?’”
“You know what? I just shouldn’t be allowed to make decisions anymore.”
Chandler: “Rachel, did it bother you when Ross flirted with other women?
”Rachel: “No, it bothered me when he slept with other women.”

Ross: “What about Ruth?”
Rachel: “I’m sorry. Are we having an 89-year-old?”
“It’s like all my life everyone’s told me, ‘You’re a shoe! You’re a shoe! You’re a shoe!’ Well, what if I don’t want to be a shoe? What if I wanna be a purse or a hat?”
“Does this look like something the girlfriend of a paleontologist would wear?”
“Oh my god, I’ve become my father. I’ve been trying so hard not to become my mother, I didn’t see this coming.”
“Oh, that’s okay. Girls tend to not like me.”
“He’s so pretty I want to cry.”
“How do we end up with these jerks? We’re good people.”
“It’s a metaphor, Daddy.”
“Everyone is getting married or pregnant or promoted and I’m getting coffee! And it’s not even for me!”
“Well, maybe I don’t need your money. Wait, wait! I said, ‘Maybe.’”
“I’m probably 98 percent happy and 2 percent jealous.”
“I’m over you. And that, my friends, is what you call closure.”

02
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Best Chandler Bing Quotes

By far the most sarcastic of the group, Chandler is the friend with a witty comeback for almost any situation. Don’t worry, though. He has a heart of gold, and definitely someone you’d want by your side through thick and thin. Down-to-Earth and relatable, he is easily the most grounded of the group. Here are the best quotes from Chandler Bing.

“Hi, I’m Chandler. I make jokes when I’m uncomfortable.”
“I say more dumb things before 9 A.M. than most people say all day.”
“So it seems like this internet thing is here to stay.”
“Could we be more white trash?”
“I tend to keep talking until somebody stops me.”
Chandler: “Oh dear god. Hold on, there’s something different.”
Ross: “I went to that tanning bed your wife suggested.”
Chandler: “Was that place the sun?”

“Nice camouflage. For a minute, I almost didn’t see you.”
“I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”
“What must it be like not to be crippled by fear and self-loathing?”
10.“I say more dumb things before 9am than most people say all day.”
“You didn’t ‘get’ me. It’s an electric drill. You ‘get’ me you kill me!”
“When I was younger, I started using humor as a defense mechanism.”
“I want to start drinking in the morning. Don’t say I don’t have goals!”
Ross: “What are you doing tonight?”
Chandler: “Why, do you have a lecture?”
Ross: “No.”
Chandler: “Free as a bird, what’s up?”
“Why yes Ross, pressing my third nipple. It opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia.”
“I am glad we are having a rehearsal dinner. I rarely practice my meals before I eat.”
“I’m a gym member. I try to go four times a week, but I’ve missed the last twelve hundred times.”
“I’m a headhunter. I hook up out-of-work Soviet scientists with rogue third-world nations. Hi, Rasputin!”
“I’m hopeless and awkward and desperate for love!”
“Oh, We’re just sitting here doing nothing. It’s our rehearsal for tomorrow.”
“I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.”
“It’s always better to lie than to have the complicated discussion.”
“So, I figure I’ll be crazy man with a snake, y’know? Crazy Snake Man. And I’ll get more snakes, call them my babies, kids will walk past my place, they will run. ‘Run away from Crazy Snake Man,’ they’ll shout!”
“All right, I took the quiz. And it turns out I do put career before men.”
“I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act. I mean, it’s like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.”
“On second thought, gum would be perfection. [To himself] Gum would be perfection? Could’ve said, “Gum would be nice,” or, “I’ll have a stick,” but no. For me, gum would be perfection. I loathe myself.”
“You’re a door. You only like knock-knock jokes.”
“It’s so hard to care when you’re this relaxed.”
Ross: “Don’t you want a washboard stomach and rock-hard pecs?”
Chandler: “No, I want a flabby gut and saggy man-breasts.”
“It’s seven years ago. My time machine works!”

03
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Best Monica Geller Quotes

An Energetic perfectionist, Monica is equal parts mothering and dominating, carving out her role in the group. She is hard-working and the practical one, so she’s usually the friend helping the others while navigating her own chaos. And she definitely has a way with words with her blunt, and sometimes harsh one-liners, but sometimes a firm hand is what you need! Here are Monica’s best quotes.

“Now, I need you to be careful and efficient. And remember: If I am harsh with you, it’s only because you’re doing it wrong.”
“I needed a plan, a plan to get over my man. And what’s the opposite of man? Jam.”
“If you’re too afraid to be in a relationship, then don’t be in one.”
“I just had sex with someone who wasn’t alive during the Bicentennial.”
“Then three years ago, at another wedding, I turned to a friend for comfort, and instead I found everything that I’ve ever been looking for my whole life. And now, here we are, with our future before us, and I only want to spend it with you, my prince, my soul-mate, my friend.”
“Why didn’t you make a copy and keep it in a fireproof box and keep it at least a hundred yards from the original?”
“Do you really think the best reason to get married is because you’re sorry?”
“OK, just to be clear, comedy with the plates will not be well-received.”
“Phoebe and Gary think they’re the hotter couple. So, to prove them wrong, we have to go and have a ton of sex.”
“You’re supposed to double the tax, not double the tax of Romania.”
“They’re as different as night and… later that night.”
“You go down there, and you suck up to him. I mean, you suck like you’ve never sucked before.”
“Having a heart attack is nature’s way of telling you to slow down.”
“Here’s the last of your boxes. I’m just going to label it ‘What were you thinking?'”
“We better stick to the routine; we don’t want to look stupid.”
“Your little Harmonica is hammered.”
“Okay, hypothetically, why won’t I be married when I’m 40?”
“Why don’t you stop worrying about sounding smart and just be yourself.”
“Welcome to the real world. It sucks. You’re gonna love it.”
“It’s never taken you more than a shower to get over a relationship.”
“Still… It’s just such reckless spending.”
“He used to have this recurring nightmare. It really freaked him out…that I was going to eat him.”
“We only ordered one!”
“I wonder what age it is that you stop being able to put both legs behind your head.”
“You don’t tell me what to do. I tell you what to do!”
“I really think I might kill someone tonight.”
“I know you all hate me, and I’m sorry, but I don’t care.”
“That’s how it starts. I don’t need to eat the cake, I’ll just smell the icing.”
“Okay, then. I don’t stink. I’m a good chef!”
“I hope by maid you mean mistress, because if some other woman was here cleaning…!”

04
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Best Joey Tribbiani Quotes

We all have that one ride-or-die friend who will always have our back; Joey is that guy. Funny, charming, and with a heart of gold, he is easily the most loyal. However, he is a little slow on the uptake, which can make for great comedy. Whether he’s the butt of the joke or just being over-the-top, Joey is easily a fan favorite. These are the best Joey Tribbiani quotes.

“Well, the fridge broke, so I had to eat everything.”
“Over the line? You’re so far past the line that you can’t even see the line! The line is a dot to you!”
“Here come the meat sweats.”
“I like it. What’s not to like? Custard? Good. Jam? Good. Meat? Good.”
“These are just feelings. They’ll go away.”
“You can’t just give up! Is that what a dinosaur would do?”
Joey: “Come on, Chandler. I want this part so much. Just one kiss. I won’t tell anyone.”
Chandler: “Joey, no means no!”
Joey: “If he doesn’t like you, this is all a moo point.”
Rachel: “A moo point?”
Joey: “Yeah. It’s like a cow’s opinion. It just doesn’t matter. It’s moo.”
“That’s right, I stepped up! She’s my friend and she needed help. If I had to, I’d pee on any one of you!”
“You hung up on the pizza place? I don’t hang up on your friends.”
“So why don’t you be a grown-up and come and watch some TV in the fort?”
Monica: “Joey, you know, maybe you’re just not used to kissing men. Maybe you just tensed up a little bit. Maybe that’s what you need to work on.”
Joey: “Yeah, that makes sense.”
(Joey looks over at Ross)
Ross: “Over my dead body.”
(Joey looks over at Chandler)
Chandler: “And I’ll be using his dead body as a shield.”
“I don’t like it when people take food off my plate, OK?”
“I look a woman up and down and say, ‘Hey, how you doin’?’
Joey: “What happened to playing the field?”
Phoebe: “Well, it doesn’t feel like playing anymore, it feels like work. It’s like I’m working in the field!”
Ross: (About Joey’s finger in his mouth) “What is that taste?”
Joey: “What? My hands are totally clean, I just gave the duck a bath.”
“Why do you have to break up with her? Be a man. Just stop calling.”
“Now, let’s go, baby. It’s food time. Bring it, bitch.”
“Food? Oh, give me!”
“Joey doesn’t share food!”
“I’m curvy and I like it.”
“It is a love based on giving and receiving, as well as having and sharing. And the love that they give and have is shared and received. And through this having and giving and sharing and receiving, we too can share and love and have and receive.”
“You’ve been BAMBOOZLED!”
“Everything’s fine, it’s just a little crush.”
“You know, with that goatee, you kind of look like Satan.”
Chandler: “Condoms?”
Joey: “We don’t know how long we’re gonna be stuck here. We might have to repopulate the world.”
Chandler: “And condoms are the way to do that?”
Phoebe: “Je m’appelle Claude.”
Joey: “Jet aplee blooo.”
Chandler: “Hey, you cry every time someone mentions Titanic.”
Joey: “Those two only had each other!”
“Pheebs, have you ever been bitten by a hungry Italian?”
“Alright, alright, alright. I was young, and I just wanted a job, OK? But at the last minute, I couldn’t go through with it. So they let me be the guy who comes in to fix the copier but can’t, ’cause there’s people havin’ sex on it.”

05
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Best Phoebe Buffay Quotes

Phoebe is a unique soul, who’s had a bit of a rough start. However, she’s still so sweet, despite her blunt and hilarious one-liners. Never afraid to be herself, she’s quirky and flake with a touch of bohemian flair. Easily one of the funniest in the group, Phoebe is not afraid to speak her mind. Here are some of her most iconic quotes.

“Come on, Ross, you’re a paleontologist. Dig a little deeper.”
“Something is wrong with the left phalange.”
“Oh, my God, a woman flirting with a single man? We must alert the church elders!”
“If you want to receive emails about my upcoming shows, please give me money so I can buy a computer.”
“Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat, What are they feeding you? Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat, It’s not your fault.”
“This is your third divorce! You love divorce so much you’re probably gonna marry it! Then it won’t work out and you’re gonna have to divorce it, divorcing guy.”
“I just, I just have this really strong feeling that this cat is my Mother.”
“No, no, I am against innocent trees being cut down in their prime, and their, their corpses grotesquely dressed in like tinsel and twinkly lights. Hey, how do you sleep at night?”
“It’s a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You know what? You can actually see old lobster couples walkin’ around their tank, you know, holding claws like…”
“Yeah, it’s just so strange. I mean, she probably woke up today and thought, ‘Ok, I’ll have some breakfast, and then I’ll take a little walk, and then I’ll have my massage.’ Little did she know God was thinking, ‘Ok, but that’s it’.”
“One really does have a stick up one’s ass. Doesn’t one?”
“Okay, first… I’m not crazy. And second… say it, don’t spray it.”
“I asked for the news, not the weather.”
“You’re the cook! Without you, it’s just me driving up to people’s houses with empty trays and asking for money.”
Rachel Green: Does this look like something the girlfriend of a paleontologist would wear?
Phoebe: I don’t know, you might be the first one.
“Your tombstone can say whatever you want it to say. It could say, ‘Ross Geller, Good at Marriage!’ Y’know? Mine’s gonna say, ‘Phoebe Buffay, Buried Alive.”
“Chandler still thinks I’m pregnant and he hasn’t asked me how I’m feeling or offered to carry my bags. I feel bad for the woman who ends up with him.”
“You know, you always see these really beautiful women with these really nothing guys. You could be one of those guys.”
Joey: The casting director doesn’t talk to friends! She only talks to agents!
Phoebe: What a sad little life she must lead.
“When I was growing up, I didn’t have a normal mom and dad or a regular family like everybody else. And I always knew that something was missing. But now I’m standing here today knowing that I have everything I’m ever gonna need. You are my family.”
“Are you in there, little fetus? In nine months, will you greet us? I will … buy you some Adidas.”
“You should see me when I actually… Oh actually, no, I look good.”
“I am a pacifist. So I am not interested in war in any way. But you know what? When the revolution comes, I will have to destroy you all.”
“Well, if she isn’t (dead), cremating her was a big mistake.”
“This is the nicest kitchen. … The refrigerator told me to have a great day.”
“Oh, you like that? You should hear my phone number.”
“Princess Consuela Bananahammock.”
“I’m very wise, I know.”
“I’m a lady, Monica. I don’t kiss and tell. But this hickey speaks for itself.”
“Didn’t you ever run so fast you thought your legs were gonna fall off, you know, like when you were running toward the swings or running away from Satan?”

06
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Best Ross Geller Quotes

Easily the most neurotic of the “Friends” group, Ross is a memorable character for more than one reason. Whether it’s his ridiculous one-liners or his on-again-off-again relationship with Rachel, he always seems to make people laugh. While not everything about the show aged well, Ross’s antics and quips can still make you chuckle. Here are some of the best Ross Gellar quotes.

“I’m the holiday armadillo!”
“We were on a break!”
“I tell you, when I actually die, some people are going to get seriously haunted.”
“No falafel for you!”
“Well, Hurricane Gloria didn’t break the porch swing. Monica did.”
“I’m FINE!”
Rachel: “Can you take care of Emma just for today?”
Ross: “Sure, just lend me your breasts and we’ll be on our way.”
“Unagi is a total state of awareness.”
Phoebe: “Ross, how about you? Sex or food?”
Ross: “Sex!”
Phoebe: “What about sex or dinosaurs?”
Ross: “My God, it’s like Sophie’s Choice.”
“You-you-you… you threw my sandwich away? My sandwich? MY SANDWICH?!”
“All of which proves that I thought of Jurassic Park first.”
Ross: (frantically presses buttons on the answering machine) “Oh my God! Did she get off the plane? Did she get off the plane?”
Rachel: (from behind him) “I got off the plane.”
“If you’re going to call me names, I would prefer ‘Ross, the Divorce Force.’ It’s just cooler.”
“I knew you’d be my death, Phoebe Buffay!”
“Ugly Baby judges you!”
“You know, we should probably ask the doctor if she even knows how to deliver a baby that’s half-human, half pure evil.”
“Wow. This is the first time I’ve walked down the aisle without the possibility of it ending in divorce.”
“There was nothing in your father’s fridge except heavy cream and bacon. I think I solved the mystery of the heart attack.”
“Y’know what? I’m gonna go out on a limb and say no divorces in ‘99!”
“Hey, remember when I had a monkey? Yeah, what was I thinking?”
“I am this close to tugging on my testicles again.”
Monica: “Chandler and I have this pact not to have sex until the wedding.”
Ross: “A no-sex pact, huh? I seem to have one of those going with every woman in America.”
“Pivot. Pivot. Piv-ot. Piv-ot. PIVOT!”
“Yes. Yes, it is… in prison!”
“I grew up in a house with Monica, OK. If you didn’t eat fast, you didn’t eat.”
“You have no idea how much this hurts!”
“Get off my sister!”
“I honestly don’t know if I’m hungry or horny.”
“Well, I didn’t. I didn’t propose. Unless… did I? I haven’t slept in 40 hours. And it does sound like something I would do.”
“Ah. Humor based on my pain.”

07
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I’ll be there for you

While not everything about the show Friends aged well, it’s still one of the most iconic and well-loved sitcoms from the 90s. Plus, there’s still plenty of golden one-liners and snappy writing to make your sides ache. Times have changed, but Friends will always be there to make you think back on a time and remember what made this show a stand-out of its time.

Tags: Friends